i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
