rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
