you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
