i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
