If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
