Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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