My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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