I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
