Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How naked do you want me to be?
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