yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
