I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
