I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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