The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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