i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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