how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
