i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This is my life. Enjoy the view
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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