while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I supernannyed him into submission
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
