i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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