so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize