alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
