I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
