Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
