the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
