Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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