I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
