is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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