Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
