i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
