she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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