Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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