Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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