First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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