Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
