highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
