If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize