hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
