Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
