I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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