We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
pop tarts are not kleenex
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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