What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
