I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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