first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
