Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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