Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize