thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
