tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
