Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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