Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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