The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
