i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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