Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
