I need to stop coming to work sober
i love accidental penises.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
