My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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