I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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