I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
