The maid of honor just puked.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
