he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I cut my penus on the lid.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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